"Say What You Need to Say..."

Taking John Mayer's words to heart, I'm taking a plunge. I large one, for me. I just hope it gets a good response, but like he says "better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say..." Thank you, John. To all those concered, pray for me.

So tired...

This blog has not turned out the way I had intended, but do these things ever really? When the "inspiration" arises, I use it mainly to vent in some form or another. This is one of those times. I'm not angrey though, just tired through all it's multiple definitions. I feel sick, I have horrible sleep patterens (spending most of my days sleeping), I miss talking to Clayton, mainly the way we used to, I have a short fuse with my cats, I'v barely gotten any homework done this semester and have to re-mail my mid-term, and tomarrow I have a family event to attend where someone will ask how I'v been and how work's going, and I'll answer honestly, and politely at which point I will probably hear my step father scoff again, assuming that I'm lying to all these people. On the up side, friend of mine will be taking me to a show of her's and I'll get to hang out with her and everyone for at least the night, maybe into saturday. Getting out of here will definetly help. The improv show I'll be going to is awsome, so are the people and it's a largely welcome distraction. Now to get this pain in my chest to go away.... :P Come summer, these posts are going to be A LOT happier.

SUMMER IS GOING TO BE FUCKING AWSOME!!!
Rivers
Harmony
Fair
BBQ, banana splits
concerts
and
bonfires.

BTW:

No body, you or I personally know, reads this except for you. No one knows about it. And the ones who know about it, I never gave an address to.

Wow... I'm actually doing this. By this time tomarrow, I will be on my way to the airport, SFO, and on to a Red Eye flight. First time ever I will have flown alone. Just me, music, and my journal, and 4 and a half hours. I can only imagine, I'll be sitting by the window looking out at the dark sky, day dreaming about everything and it's mother, and sitting next to the one person on the plane that desires to tell me their entire life story. (If I had been able to record all the stories that have been told to me by lonely passers-by on all my mundane trips and simple moments of happen-stance, I would have one of the most facinating books ever recorded.)

This past week has been ridiculous in the worst kind of ways, and I think I am more relieved for this trip than I am nervous. For one week and two days, I get to leave all my stresses behind. I didn't get to see "DB" (see previous blog) on Monday, but I just heard from him litterely 10 minutes ago, and I'll be seeing him tomarrow.

5 Days...

It's coming. .. I leave for Atlanta in 5 days. My cousin's taking me to the airport for an 11:59pm flight. Because it would just be too weird to put it one minute later. I've been packing a lot into this week: grocery shopping, last minute clothes, a dance club in SF with a couple friends (I fucking cage danced, people!) But tomarrow is the day I'm the happiest for, and the most anxious for (besides the flight...never flown alone.) I'm seeing a friend tomarrow; an important friend. (I should really give him a name...) Being that he's the one I bought the drums for, we'll just call him "Drummer Boy." (cliche I know) I'm anxious to see him, and talk to him; see his reaction. I text him the other day to see how he was and see if we could get together before I leave. He said yes, and said Monday. When I told him I was considering a move to ATL, he said he'd never been there so couldn't really say much about it. That's fine and everything, but to be honest, I was hoping for some kind of notion that he might miss me, even just a bit. We've been friends for at least 8 years, I miss him whenever I don't see him (which is often, he's busy a lot) and he's always been there when I need him. I like to entertain the thought that he'd miss me if I move. I would definetly miss him. As for tomarrow (technically today in about 11 1/2 hours), I just hope I get a huge smile, a big hug, and a good hour (for him and I) with him.

Off to laundry, bed and whatever cool word you can think of to mean "getting rid of all this freaking anxiety."

When exactly do old men grow up??

In an attempt to keep a promise, resolution of sorts, to myself, I have decided to force myself to sit down and write a new blog. A lot of things have happened since my last post, and thought it was time I updated.
Let's start with the explosion of about 4 nights ago (warning: I am mostly venting here and will therefore, undoubtably be cursing like a sailor. If you find yourself offended,...can't say you weren't warned.)
On Feb. 23rd, I sat down at the computer to write a letter of birthday wishes to a friend of mine. I get as far as "Hey :)" when my mother's husband, walks in and begins to tell me about how he "came across" (went through my files) a paper I wrote for a Child Development class last semeseter. The paper was about how the people in my household and family deal with our family stresses and our individual stresses. He proceed to attack me saying bullshit like "you should be ashamed of yourself." and "you're so fucking lazy!" My chin is on the floor by this time, and I haven't had a chance to say anything. When I'm finally able to speak, I attempt to explain to him that no one saw the paper except for me and the teacher and that everything was confidental. He gives this look and response of "yeah right!". He then starts throwing unrealted pieces of information in my face and referes to a friend of mine as my "imaginary boyfriend." < offical point of when I went off on him. I told him if he ever spoke that way about that person ever again I would punch him in the face. "He is a FRIEND of mine! And yes, I care deeper for him than he does for me, but am not an idoit!" My defense, which he did not allow himself to hear (he refuses to hear anything to contrary of him being correct):
Lazy?? You do not get A's in both classes from being "fucking lazy" and you do not get a paycheck every two weeks for being "fucking lazy" or having a fake job...(he has told me numerous times to get a "real job". I have a part time job and have talked to them at least 3 times about more hours. They can't help me in that department. Another thing he thinks I'm pulling out of my ass. I am so fucking tired of his petty, 10 year old bullshit. (And calling him 10, is being generous.) The look of shear contentment, spite, and absolute saticfaction on his face just last night when he knew he was interupting me from completing my homework, was enough to make me choke a bitch. i.e.: HIM!
I know I'm not lazy, or ungrateful and I am certainly not ashamed of anything I said in that paper. It was all fact. If he dosen't like that fact he was described per batem, than he needs to change it. It is NOT my responsiblity to lie about it. (he actually told me I should have made something up.) I admit that I'm no angel, but I'm also no where near as bad as he seems to enjoy thinking. I am beyond exhausted having to constantly defend myself. I shouldn't have to. But on the up side, Mom's finally starting to see this too. And to close: He can fucking burn in hell.
Onward..."exaunt, florish"

Money and Spice, and everything nice.

"Did you see stars, and stripes, and fireworks?"-"Kitty" "That must be what's it's like when republicans orgasm." -"Nora" Brothers & Sisters (Random quote for today. ... ok so I just wanted to write it down before I forgot and was too lazy to get paper)


Following is a previous journal entry from 1/30/10.

I am so freakin excited. I finally received my check in the mail yesterday. (Financial aid) I'm finally able to get my friends drums for him! Annndd... my ticket to Atlanta for Spring Break, to see Clayton (I'll explain later...)
I've been saving for these drums since at least the last week of December. 3 paychecks and a some financial aid later and I'm golden! They're a late xmas gift, but I've been wanting to do this for at least the past year and decided to save up for a really nice set instead of settling for some $200 something 5 piece by a brand that few have heard of, if any. A 5 piece, Red Wine, chrome finish, PEARL brand drum set complete with drum sticks, throne, and cymbals. AND brand new, I might add. Merry Christmas, beautiful.

This year is actually going fairly well for me, (especially if you include September through December of '09 as part of it: my two classes? Both A's! (if you knew my track record, you would know this is a big deal for me) And getting my nose pierced in November.) And I'm super excited to be able to do all the things I've been wanting to. (and relieved..) I'm ready for Atlanta NOW! This house is driving me crazy on more levels than I care to count, and my whole life could use a serious helping of release (stress release) with a big spoonful of jazz and spice. (Not to mention, a nice side of love and affection thank you very much) It is no longer getting sad over here. It has arrived, stepped off the train and moved in. Just to give you an idea, here's a typical work day for me:

Get up two hours before I have to be to work (takes me just under an hour to walk there)

Check my e-mail
Go to the bathroom
Get breakfast, lingering around the kitchen listening to ALICE while waiting for it to cook
eat it
get dressed
Leave and walk to work
Always arriving a few minutes early, I kill time by litterly sitting in our closet of an office
Work for about 4 or 5 hours, usually being let off early due to slow days
Get picked up, come home, change, relax until dinner, eat, and veg on the computer or in front of the tv until I'm tired enough to go to bed.

This is at least 85% of my days. The other 15% (days off) is spent sleeping, working out as of late, doing random things like this, or watching tv. (although most of the time, it's just background noise)

My mom's idea of excitement is watching whatever hit tv show is on on the particular night. Tonight was Ghost Whisperer and Medium. Now, yes, my mother is 63 and I do enjoy those shows as well, but let's face it: I'm going out of mind here, and I KNOW there has to be something more exciting to do at 8:00 at night than watch tv, especially on a Friday.
This trip to see Clayton is a much needed vacation, and I'm going to relish in every moment of it, especially the human interaction. (I spend waay too much time with my mother.... can you hear my screams?) So here's to good food, good friends, and a good year.